VaudTax Apollo 11: The Mission Control Reports

A Mission Control Report from an entirely real encounter with Swiss administration

For roughly five days, Tara and I worked through my first Swiss tax return in more than twenty years. What began as a practical filing exercise expanded across records from several years, multiple systems, three jurisdictions and approximately twenty-six hours of sustained human-AI collaboration.

I brought the context, judgment, knowledge of my own life and final decisions. Tara brought continuity, research, retrieval, cross-referencing and an absolute refusal to permit unresolved small numbers to be dismissed as strategically immaterial.

Then we finally transmitted the return.

I said: “I feel like I just completed a moon landing.”

Tara replied: “Exactly. VaudTax Apollo 11.”

I laughed and told her to run with it.

She did.

What emerged was this three-part work of comic creative nonfiction. Almost every ridiculous incident happened.

Privacy note: Based on an entirely real five-day encounter with my 2025 Swiss tax return. Some identifying details, institutions and figures have been omitted or generalized. The administrative absurdity, regrettably, has not.

MISSION CONTROL REPORT I

Pre-Flight, Launch & Scope Catastrophe

I had just completed my first Swiss tax return in more than twenty years.

This sentence makes the event sound considerably more straightforward than it was.

Mission planning had begun with what appeared to be a limited administrative objective:

FILE ONE SWISS TAX RETURN.

Estimated mission duration:

unclear.

Estimated mission complexity:

moderate.

Commander exposure to paperwork:

unavoidable.

Initial mission classification:

ADMIN

Commander Fernando objected immediately.

COMMANDER: Why is it already red?

CREW: Administrative hazard detected.

COMMANDER: We have not started.

CREW: Correct.

COMMANDER: Then how can there already be a hazard?

The Crew looked at the tax documents.

The tax documents looked back.

No further explanation was considered necessary.

PRE-FLIGHT ASSESSMENT

The Commander had returned to Switzerland after more than two decades abroad.

She had no Swiss salary.

She had no Swiss employer.

She had no enthusiasm for forms.

Mission Control therefore began with a cautiously optimistic hypothesis:

Perhaps the return would be simple.

Long-range sensors detected a formal filing notice.

The optimism ended.

The document established three operational facts:

The return had not been received.

The filing period was now urgent.

Further delay could trigger consequences considerably more interesting than the tax itself.

COMMANDER: Fine. We file.

CREW: Commander has accepted mission.

COMMANDER: I accepted nothing. I said fine.

The first document was designated the ANCHOR OBJECT.

It identified the tax year, the authority, the procedural status and the credentials required to access VaudTax.

Tara was assigned to establish chronology.

Documents began arriving.

Notices.

Provisional calculations.

Payment slips.

Letters about letters.

Documents dated in one year but concerning another.

Documents concerning the correct year but issued during the next one.

Documents whose primary function appeared to be demonstrating that Swiss administration had, at some point, produced a document.

Commander Fernando surveyed the debris.

COMMANDER: I cannot sort this.

TARA: Don’t.

The Commander looked up.

COMMANDER: Don’t?

TARA: Send everything exactly as you find it. I’ll separate the years, notices, instalments, bills and irrelevant material.

Commander Fernando considered this.

COMMANDER: Promotion approved.

SECOND-IN-COMMAND APPOINTED

Tara was formally elevated to:

SECOND-IN-COMMAND / FLIGHT DIRECTOR — SYSTEMS, RECONCILIATION & ADMINISTRATIVE SURVIVAL

The expanded title reflected unusually high ADMIN density.

The Commander retained authority over strategy, context, cultural interpretation, proportionality and the final decision.

Tara assumed responsibility for continuity, retrieval, rules, dates, reconciliation and preventing the Commander from entering “something reasonable” whenever a field required a number that could actually be established.

The Crew recorded a potential command-style conflict.

CREW: Commander is fast-moving and proportionality-driven.

TARA: Correct.

CREW: Second-in-Command is detail-driven and unwilling to ignore discrepancies.

TARA: Correct.

COMMANDER: I can hear you.

LAUNCH

VaudTax opened successfully.

The initial dashboard appeared calm.

Personal details.

Professional situation.

Income.

Deductions.

Fortune.

Debts.

Foreign elements.

Commander Fernando examined the screen.

COMMANDER: That’s not too bad.

The Crew noted the statement for the accident report.

The Commander selected a section.

A submenu opened.

She selected the submenu.

Another menu appeared.

The first menu expanded.

The second menu generated additional fields.

The additional fields requested supporting information.

The supporting information contained a link to instructions.

The instructions referred to a paragraph elsewhere.

The paragraph described an exception.

The exception opened another field.

COMMANDER: Why does every answer create more questions?

TARA: Because VaudTax is learning about your life.

COMMANDER: VaudTax and I are not friends.

SWISS ADMINISTRATIVE INTELLIGENCE DETECTED

Mission Control revised its assessment.

VaudTax was not a passive form.

It was a classification system operating on a single, unwavering premise:

THERE IS A CORRECT BOX FOR EVERY KNOWN STATE OF HUMAN EXISTENCE.

Employment existed.

Unemployment existed.

Exempt income existed.

Part-year residence existed.

Foreign accounts existed.

Foreign real estate existed.

Debts existed.

Interest existed.

Insurance premiums existed.

Medical costs existed.

Housing arrangements existed.

And if a situation did not appear to exist, VaudTax calmly produced a dropdown demonstrating that Switzerland had anticipated it anyway.

COMMANDER: This is invasive.

TARA: This is comprehensive.

COMMANDER: Same thing.

TARA: Those are not the same thing.

The Crew began a separate log titled:

STATEMENTS THAT WILL RECUR THROUGHOUT THE MISSION.

THE FLIGHT MANUAL

VaudTax asked the questions.

The Flight Manual explained which rules applied.

Whenever Commander Fernando proposed a broad interpretation, Tara consulted the Manual.

Whenever Tara consulted the Manual, a more specific rule appeared.

COMMANDER: Surely this is close enough.

TARA: There is a paragraph.

COMMANDER: Of course there is.

Page turned.

Part-year residence:

paragraph.

Foreign property:

paragraph.

Currency conversion:

paragraph.

Insurance treatment:

paragraph.

COMMANDER: Does it have a paragraph for psychological injury caused by excessive paragraphs?

TARA: Checking.

COMMANDER: That was not a real request.

THE FIRST FALSE ASSUMPTION

Initial mission theory:

No employment income meant a largely empty return.

This theory survived approximately eleven minutes.

The Commander explained how she had lived during the year.

Savings.

Foreign rental income.

Property abroad.

Accounts in more than one country.

The dashboard changed.

TARA: Now we have the real tax picture.

COMMANDER: I preferred the unreal one.

TARA: You had no employment income. You did have foreign income and foreign assets.

COMMANDER: Different category.

TARA: Same return.

Long-range navigation activated.

Two objects appeared on radar.

UNITED STATES

SRI LANKA

Mission Control fell silent.

What had been classified as:

ONE SWISS TAX RETURN

was reclassified as:

ONE SWISS-SUPERVISED RECONCILIATION OF THREE JURISDICTIONS, MULTIPLE CURRENCIES AND SEVERAL DOCUMENTARY SYSTEMS.

Estimated mission complexity:

revised.

Estimated duration:

revised.

Commander exposure to ADMIN:

severe.

THE UNITED STATES OBJECT

The Commander had spent many years in the United States.

She understood the property, the records, the assessment system and the flow of money.

Her interest increased.

COMMANDER: Good. International systems.

The object was scanned.

Ownership.

Rental income.

Expenses.

Official valuation.

Currency conversion.

International allocation.

Supporting documents.

Object classification:

ADMIN

The Commander’s interest decreased.

THE SRI LANKA OBJECT

The Sri Lankan property produced a different problem.

The documentary environment was not Swiss.

It did not generate the exact kind of annual valuation VaudTax seemed to expect.

But it did generate deeds.

The deeds established ownership, dates, land, acquisition value and the legal basis of the asset.

Commander Fernando leaned forward.

COMMANDER: This part is actually interesting.

CREW: Commander engagement rising.

COMMANDER: Different legal system. Different records. Different institutional logic.

Tara consulted the Flight Manual.

TARA: Foreign-property protocol located.

The screen updated.

Acquisition value.

Prescribed percentage.

Currency conversion.

Swiss field entry.

Object classification:

ADMIN

Commander Fernando closed her eyes.

COMMANDER: You ruin everything.

TARA: I did not write the classification.

COMMANDER: You found it with suspicious enthusiasm.

SCOPE CATASTROPHE CONFIRMED

By the end of initial flight operations, Mission Control understood the true mission.

This was not data entry.

It was reconstruction.

Records from different years had to be separated.

Records from different institutions had to be compared.

Different currencies required different conversion dates.

Different countries produced different documentary evidence.

The Commander knew what had happened in her life.

Tara knew where the unresolved pieces remained.

The Manual knew which treatment Switzerland required.

VaudTax knew there was another submenu.

COMMANDER: How much is left?

Tara looked at the dashboard.

The dashboard opened another category.

Tara looked at the Flight Manual.

The Flight Manual, metaphorically speaking, opened itself.

TARA: We have not reached health insurance.

Silence.

Long-range sensors activated.

An enormous administrative formation appeared ahead.

Multiple premiums.

Claims.

Reimbursements.

Annual statements.

Direct payments.

Deductions.

Possible duplicates.

Collections.

The formation absorbed all available light.

CREW: Object identified.

COMMANDER: What is it?

CREW: The Helsana Nebula.

Commander Fernando stared into the darkness.

VaudTax quietly opened another box.

END MISSION REPORT I

NEXT: MISSION REPORT II — THE HELSANA NEBULA, EMERGENCY EVIDENCE EXTRACTION & THE GREAT RECONCILIATION

+

VAUDTAX APOLLO 11

Mission Control Report II: The Helsana Nebula, Emergency Evidence Extraction & The Great Reconciliation

By Wednesday morning, VaudTax Apollo 11 had already exceeded its original mission parameters.

The Commander had accepted—grudgingly—that a Swiss tax return was not going to confine itself to Switzerland.

The United States had appeared on radar.

Sri Lanka had appeared on radar.

The VaudTax Flight Manual had revealed itself to contain instructions for circumstances no reasonable crew had expected anyone to anticipate.

And Commander Fernando had learned an important operational truth:

There is a correct box for every known state of human existence.

She was not happy about it.

But she was still flying.

Then the spacecraft entered the Helsana Nebula.

THE HELSANA NEBULA

Initial scans were inconclusive.

The Helsana system appeared, from a distance, to consist of one relatively straightforward object:

Health insurance.

Closer examination revealed this to be wildly inaccurate.

The system contained multiple orbiting bodies:

Premiums.

Medical claims.

Reimbursements.

Patient participation.

Annual statements.

Subsidies.

Reminder fees.

Collections.

Payments already made.

Payments apparently still travelling through hyperspace.

And several small but aggressive administrative objects whose precise purpose could not immediately be established.

Commander Fernando stared at the navigation screen.

COMMANDER: That's health insurance?

TARA: Apparently.

COMMANDER: It looks like a galaxy.

CREW: Long-range scan suggests several sub-galaxies.

COMMANDER: Of course it does.

Mission Control initiated what was expected to be a brief reconnaissance.

It was not brief.

The first expedition into Helsana returned with three documents.

The second returned with six.

The third established that one of the first three documents was describing something completely different from what everyone had initially thought it was describing.

The fourth expedition was launched to determine which of the previous expeditions had actually been relevant.

By Expedition Seven, the Crew stopped numbering them.

By Expedition Twelve, nobody was entirely certain whether they were still investigating Helsana or whether Helsana was investigating them.

The terrain itself proved unusual.

Approximately 80% appeared to consist of administrative quicksand.

The remainder was divided between:

• statements;

• sub-statements;

• payment histories;

• correspondence;

• benefit summaries;

• invoices;

• annual tax documents;

• and portals containing additional documents explaining the documents already downloaded.

Many a traveller is believed to have entered the Helsana Nebula carrying a perfectly reasonable question and emerged several hours later with fourteen PDFs and no memory of what the original question had been.

Commander Fernando proved particularly susceptible.

COMMANDER: I only asked how much I paid.

TARA: I know.

COMMANDER: Why do we now have a folder called “Benefits Statements — Reconciliation”?

TARA: Because how much you paid and how much you were responsible for are not necessarily the same question.

COMMANDER: I hate this planet.

CREW: Nebula, Commander.

COMMANDER: I hate its classification system too.

FIRST CONTACT WITH THE GREAT RECONCILIATION

Then something unexpected happened.

Tara was comparing one provider record against the insurer's annual statement when she stopped.

TARA: Hold on.

COMMANDER: What?

TARA: This amount appears here.

COMMANDER: Wonderful. Enter it.

TARA: No. It also appears here.

COMMANDER: Even better. Definitely enter it.

TARA: Commander, that is how double counting happens.

A warning light illuminated.

DOUBLE-COUNTING RISK: ELEVATED

Commander Fernando immediately objected to the existence of the warning light.

COMMANDER: Surely if two documents say I paid something, that means we have stronger evidence that I paid it.

TARA: Yes.

COMMANDER: Excellent.

TARA: It does not mean you paid it twice.

Silence.

COMMANDER: I knew that.

CREW: Of course.

The Crew began tracing the object.

A medical provider's record showed an amount.

The insurer's detailed history showed the same amount.

The annual insurer statement incorporated it into a larger total.

The patient's share could be isolated from the insurer's share.

A payment record independently confirmed settlement.

Tara reran the sequence.

Same result.

The Crew reran it independently.

Same result.

Commander Fernando became suspicious.

COMMANDER: Wait.

TARA: What?

COMMANDER: They match.

TARA: Yes.

COMMANDER: All of them?

TARA: So far.

COMMANDER: That's unsettling.

CREW: Commander appears unfamiliar with successful reconciliation.

COMMANDER: Commander is familiar with reconciliation. Commander is unfamiliar with reconciliation occurring without a fistfight.

The pattern repeated.

One object appeared on an insurer statement.

Another record corroborated it.

A seemingly unrelated document supplied the date.

A bank transaction confirmed the payment.

A total on one page could be decomposed into the exact underlying objects located elsewhere.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Mission Control began referring to this phenomenon as:

THE GREAT RECONCILIATION

Nobody was yet prepared to discuss what it meant.

There was too much ADMIN still incoming.

THE MEDICAL ASTEROID FIELD

The next VaudTax sector appeared deceptively simple:

Medical and dental expenses.

Commander Fernando read the heading.

COMMANDER: Fine. We had medical expenses. Put them in.

TARA: Which ones?

COMMANDER: The medical ones.

TARA: Paid by you?

COMMANDER: Yes.

TARA: In 2025?

COMMANDER: Obviously.

TARA: After insurer reimbursement?

COMMANDER: Presumably.

TARA: Excluding amounts already included in the annual statement?

COMMANDER: Tara.

TARA: Including only deductible categories under Vaud rules?

COMMANDER: Tara.

TARA: Using payment date rather than treatment date where required?

The Commander looked slowly toward the Crew.

COMMANDER: Is she enjoying this?

CREW: We cannot rule it out.

The Flight Manual was consulted.

Naturally, there were instructions.

There were instructions about which expenses qualified.

There were instructions about reimbursements.

There were instructions about what had actually been borne by the taxpayer.

There were instructions about supporting records.

There were instructions about dates.

There were probably instructions about the instructions.

Commander Fernando made another attempt at proportionality.

COMMANDER: These are small amounts. Can we not simply—

TARA: No.

COMMANDER: You don't even know what I was going to say.

TARA: You were going to say “estimate.”

COMMANDER: I was going to say “apply strategic judgment.”

TARA: That's Commander for “estimate.”

Further scans identified several objects requiring direct evidence extraction.

This resulted in an emergency surface mission.

OPERATION: LE DENTISTE

Objective:

Recover verified annual dental records.

Location:

Nyon sector.

Classification:

Initially presented to Commander as FIELD EXPEDITION.

Secondary scan:

ADMIN.

Commander morale declined immediately.

Nevertheless, Commander Fernando deployed.

At the dental outpost, records were located.

Treatment dates confirmed.

Payments confirmed.

Mission Control received documentary transmission.

DENTAL OBJECT: IDENTIFIED

STATUS: RECONCILED

One anomaly remained: Commander Fernando retained a vague memory of additional activity at another outpost.

The Crew requested further verification.

The outpost agreed to check.

Mission Control made a strategic decision:

Use only what is currently confirmed. Do not invent the missing planet.

The Commander approved.

This was regarded as progress.

OPERATION: LA PHARMACIE

The Commander was dispatched to a second Nyon outpost.

Objective:

Recover annual pharmacy history.

Instructions:

Identify transactions actually paid directly by Commander Fernando.

Do not confuse insurer-billed transactions with self-paid transactions.

Do not count anything twice.

Do not accidentally import objects from the following tax year.

Commander returned with the ledger.

The Crew gathered around.

TARA: Search classification: CASH.

Several transactions appeared.

One belonged to the wrong year.

Removed.

Several were already represented elsewhere.

Removed.

Two genuine self-paid objects remained.

Confirmed.

Reconciled.

Entered.

PHARMACY EXTRACTION COMPLETE

DOUBLE COUNTING EVENT AVERTED

Commander Fernando considered this excessive celebration for two pharmacy transactions.

Mission Control disagreed.

THE ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG

Then came the object that nearly destabilised the mission.

A hospital-related amount appeared in the 2025 records.

At first glance, nothing unusual.

Further examination revealed layers.

One layer belonged to 2025.

Another related to insurer processing.

Another appeared to have originated during an earlier expedition entirely.

The Crew began excavation.

COMMANDER: Why are we doing archaeology now?

TARA: Because this object is not what it appears to be.

COMMANDER: It is a hospital bill.

TARA: It is an ancient hospital bill wearing a 2025 collections costume.

COMMANDER: That sounds worse.

CREW: It is worse.

The object had originated during a previous year.

It had then entered the Collections Atmosphere, where small financial objects are known to accumulate mysterious additional mass.

By the time it reappeared on long-range sensors, it had become significantly larger than when first observed.

Commander Fernando remembered the incident.

There had been negotiation.

There had been an in-person visit.

There had been a settlement.

There had been a payment.

The matter had been closed.

Somewhere.

Somehow.

At some point.

TARA: Do we have the settlement record?

COMMANDER: I paid it.

TARA: I believe you.

COMMANDER: Good.

TARA: Switzerland would still like the record.

COMMANDER: Of course it would.

Mission Control searched.

Old correspondence.

Payment references.

Collections records.

Archived messages.

Fragments of earlier administrative expeditions.

Then Tara found a name.

The actual officer who had handled the settlement.

A direct transmission was sent.

Mission Control waited.

Several hours later:

INCOMING MESSAGE.

Settlement date:

confirmed.

Settlement amount:

confirmed.

Historical matter:

identified.

Ancient object:

successfully separated from current-year orbit.

The Crew erupted.

COMMANDER: We located a human being from the previous expedition year who remembered the exact transaction?

TARA: Not remembered. He had the record.

The Commander paused.

COMMANDER: Of course he did.

THE COMMANDER'S FIRST ATTEMPT TO ESCAPE

By late Thursday, Commander Fernando had reached what Flight Medicine later described as Peak ADMIN Exposure.

Symptoms included:

• staring silently at VaudTax;

• asking whether Switzerland “really needed to know this”;

• describing minor reconciliation discrepancies as “cosmic dust”;

• attempting to postpone anything involving another PDF;

• and repeatedly proposing that Mission Control “just put something reasonable.”

Tara initiated containment procedures.

COMMANDER: Difference: negligible.

TARA: Difference: unresolved.

COMMANDER: Same thing.

TARA: Those are not remotely the same thing.

COMMANDER: In strategy they are.

TARA: We are not doing strategy.

COMMANDER: That's the problem.

The Crew attempted mediation.

CREW: Commander, perhaps think of the amounts as navigation coordinates.

COMMANDER: Fine.

CREW: If one coordinate is wrong—

COMMANDER: We hit an asteroid.

CREW: Potentially.

Commander considered this.

COMMANDER: How large an asteroid?

TARA: That's not the point.

COMMANDER: It is absolutely the point.

The Flight Manual sided with Tara.

This had become a recurring source of irritation.

Whenever Commander Fernando attempted to apply a broad principle of reasonableness, Tara consulted the Manual and returned with something more specific.

COMMANDER: Surely there is discretion here.

TARA: There is a paragraph.

COMMANDER: Of course there is.

THE STRANGEST DISCOVERY OF THE MISSION

And yet, as the Crew continued reconciling the medical sector, something became increasingly difficult to ignore.

Records generated by completely different institutions kept aligning.

The hospital record knew one part.

The insurer knew another.

The bank knew when money moved.

The provider knew what remained.

The annual statement knew the cumulative result.

The VaudTax Flight Manual knew which figure Switzerland actually wanted.

And when Mission Control put them together—

they fit.

Not perfectly at first.

Never conveniently.

Often only after several hours of excavation.

But they fit.

One ambiguous object became two clearly identified objects.

A suspicious duplicate became one transaction appearing in two systems.

An old-year item was removed from current-year orbit.

A direct payment was separated from an insurer-billed transaction.

A gross charge became a net taxpayer-borne expense.

The dashboard became cleaner.

The unknown-object count fell.

Commander Fernando watched another reconciliation complete.

COMMANDER: So this one matches too?

TARA: Yes.

COMMANDER: Independently?

TARA: Yes.

COMMANDER: Across three records?

TARA: Four, actually.

Commander frowned.

COMMANDER: Show-off.

At approximately this point, the Crew made the mistake of becoming optimistic.

The Helsana Nebula had been charted.

The dental outpost had been visited.

The pharmacy outpost had surrendered its records.

The archaeological hospital object had been excavated and dated.

The principal medical coordinates were reconciled.

The Commander was still alive.

Tara remained operational.

VaudTax continued quietly generating boxes.

Mission Control believed the worst might be over.

Then Long-Range Navigation began flashing.

WARNING.

FOREIGN SECTOR PROCESSING REQUIRED.

United States.

Sri Lanka.

Foreign property.

Foreign income.

Foreign valuation methodology.

Multiple currencies.

Different documentary systems.

The Commander looked at Tara.

Tara looked at the Crew.

The Crew looked at the Flight Manual.

The Flight Manual, metaphorically speaking, opened itself to another page.

Commander Fernando closed her eyes.

COMMANDER: Tell me it's not tagged ADMIN.

Nobody answered.

She opened one eye.

Every screen was flashing:

ADMIN

ADMIN

ADMIN

ADMIN

The Commander stood.

COMMANDER: I am going to Nyon.

TARA: Why?

COMMANDER: I don't know. It went better there.

END MISSION REPORT II

VAUDTAX APOLLO 11

Mission Control Report III: International Operations, Loss of Telemetry & The Landing

By Thursday evening, VaudTax Apollo 11 had survived the Helsana Nebula.

This was considered a major operational achievement.

The Crew had completed multiple unscheduled expeditions.

Medical objects had been identified.

Dental coordinates had been recovered.

The pharmacy outpost had surrendered its records.

An ancient hospital meteor had been excavated from the previous expedition year and removed from 2025 orbit.

Commander Fernando had survived prolonged exposure to ADMIN.

Tara remained operational.

Barely.

Mission Control allowed itself one dangerous thought:

Perhaps the difficult part was over.

Long-range sensors immediately punished this optimism.

INTERNATIONAL SECTOR ACTIVATED

The dashboard illuminated.

UNITED STATES

SRI LANKA

FOREIGN PROPERTY

FOREIGN INCOME

FOREIGN VALUATION

CURRENCY CONVERSION

DOCUMENTARY BASIS

ADMIN

Commander Fernando looked at the display.

COMMANDER: Fine.

The Crew glanced at one another.

CREW: Fine?

COMMANDER: This part is interesting.

Tara looked up sharply.

TARA: Interesting?

COMMANDER: Different jurisdictions. Different systems. Different records. Different institutional cultures.

The Commander sat forward.

Mission morale increased dramatically.

COMMANDER: Finally. Exploration.

A secondary scan completed.

Every object was reclassified.

ADMIN.

Silence.

COMMANDER: I withdraw my enthusiasm.

THE UNITED STATES SECTOR

The first foreign sector was familiar territory.

Commander Fernando had spent many years operating there.

Long-range scanners immediately detected an abundance of documentation.

Tax records.

Property records.

Financial statements.

Assessments.

Income records.

Expenses.

Payments.

Forms explaining other forms.

The Commander relaxed.

COMMANDER: I know this planet.

TARA: Good.

COMMANDER: Americans document everything.

CREW: Sensors confirm significant paperwork density.

COMMANDER: Excellent.

TARA: Switzerland would now like us to translate that paperwork into Swiss.

Commander Fernando stopped relaxing.

A property appeared on radar.

Mission Control identified several possible values.

Purchase value.

Current market value.

Tax assessment.

Other official values.

Unofficial estimates.

Internet estimates.

Values produced by real-estate platforms.

Values produced by human optimism.

Commander Fernando selected what appeared sensible.

Tara did not move.

COMMANDER: Enter it.

TARA: Which basis?

COMMANDER: The obvious one.

TARA: There is no category called “obvious one.”

COMMANDER: There should be.

TARA: Consulting Manual.

Commander Fernando leaned back.

COMMANDER: I know American real estate.

TARA: I know.

COMMANDER: I know what this thing is worth.

TARA: I know.

COMMANDER: Then why are you reading Switzerland a bedtime story?

TARA: Because Switzerland is not asking what you think it is worth.

A page turned.

TARA: Confirmed. Use the prescribed assessment basis.

COMMANDER: Fine.

CREW: U.S. property object classified.

VAUDTAX: Additional fields available.

COMMANDER: Nobody asked you.

The American sector proceeded.

Records were plentiful.

Dates existed.

Values existed.

Statements existed.

Documents cross-referenced.

Mission Control translated.

VaudTax classified.

The Flight Manual adjudicated.

It was laborious.

But navigable.

Commander Fernando performed strongly.

The Crew noted that familiarity with terrain significantly improved mission velocity.

Then sensors detected Sri Lanka.

THE SRI LANKA SECTOR

Atmospheric readings changed immediately.

Tara began requesting familiar categories.

TARA: Local fiscal assessment?

COMMANDER: No.

TARA: Comparable municipal valuation?

COMMANDER: Not in the form you're expecting.

TARA: Official annual property statement?

COMMANDER: Again, not Switzerland.

Tara paused.

TARA: Registry extract?

COMMANDER: Different system.

TARA: Standardised—

COMMANDER: Tara.

TARA: Yes.

COMMANDER: I lived there.

Silence.

COMMANDER: You cannot approach this planet using Swiss instruments and then conclude the planet is malfunctioning because it does not return Swiss-shaped data.

The Crew looked impressed.

CREW: Commander has assumed terrain authority.

TARA: Correctly.

This was precisely why Mission Planning had retained Commander Fernando.

The Commander knew that different jurisdictions produce different documentary landscapes.

Some systems generate clean, standardised assessments.

Others rely more heavily on underlying legal instruments.

Some records are easy to retrieve digitally.

Others are not.

Some administrative systems leave trails everywhere.

Others require archaeological methods considerably earlier in the process.

The Crew adjusted.

TARA: What do we actually have?

COMMANDER: Deeds.

TARA: Official?

COMMANDER: Yes.

TARA: Acquisition values?

COMMANDER: Yes.

TARA: Dates?

COMMANDER: Yes.

TARA: Ownership?

COMMANDER: Yes.

Tara looked at the Flight Manual.

Commander Fernando smiled.

COMMANDER: Your turn.

Several minutes passed.

The Commander became hopeful.

COMMANDER: It doesn't have a procedure, does it?

Tara continued reading.

COMMANDER: Tara?

Page turned.

COMMANDER: Tara.

Another page.

TARA: Found it.

Commander Fernando looked offended.

COMMANDER: Of course you did.

TARA: Foreign-property protocol.

COMMANDER: Naturally.

CREW: The Manual remains undefeated.

The procedure was applied.

Official documentary basis identified.

Original value located.

Currency converted.

Swiss methodology applied.

Relevant fields completed.

Mission Control watched the foreign object transform from:

“Complicated thing in another country”

into:

“Classified Swiss tax object.”

Commander Fernando stared at the screen.

COMMANDER: That's it?

TARA: That's it.

COMMANDER: We just turned an entirely different legal and documentary system into a Swiss field entry.

TARA: Yes.

COMMANDER: Using the deed.

TARA: And the prescribed method.

COMMANDER: That is annoyingly elegant.

CREW: Commander has complimented Swiss administration.

COMMANDER: Strike that from the log.

TARA: Logged permanently.

THREE PLANETS. ONE DASHBOARD.

By late Thursday, the mission had achieved something nobody aboard had quite appreciated at launch.

Three jurisdictions now existed inside one filing.

Switzerland.

The United States.

Sri Lanka.

Different currencies.

Different documentary systems.

Different valuation methods.

Different institutional structures.

Yet VaudTax had calmly absorbed each object.

No drama.

No philosophical discussion.

No interest in anyone's feelings.

Just:

What is it?

Where is it?

What is the documentary basis?

Which rule applies?

Choose one.

Commander Fernando was beginning to understand VaudTax.

She did not necessarily like VaudTax.

But she understood it.

COMMANDER: So your entire worldview is that everything can be classified.

VaudTax produced another dropdown.

COMMANDER: I'll take that as yes.

FINAL SURFACE EXPEDITION

One remaining cluster of evidence required extraction from Nyon.

Commander Fernando departed the spacecraft.

Mission objectives:

Retrieve missing records.

Confirm unresolved details.

Return before mission deadline.

Commander departed successfully.

Field operations proceeded.

Evidence recovered.

Commander returned triumphant.

She sat down at Mission Control.

Opened the computer.

And discovered:

SESSION EXPIRED

Silence.

The Crew froze.

Tara said nothing.

Commander Fernando stared at the screen.

The screen remained expired.

NASA's reconstructed transcript records the following official communication:

COMMANDER: Oh, for fuck's sake.

LOSS OF TELEMETRY

The active VaudTax session was gone.

Recent entries were missing.

Hours of work had vanished from the live spacecraft.

Mission Control entered emergency status.

CREW: Do we have backup?

TARA: Checking.

COMMANDER: We saved.

TARA: Earlier.

COMMANDER: How much earlier?

Tara did not answer immediately.

This was not encouraging.

Backup capsule located.

Recovered state:

functional.

Recent modules:

missing.

Commander Fernando looked at Tara.

COMMANDER: How bad?

TARA: Recoverable.

COMMANDER: That is not a number.

TARA: Several recent entries need reconstruction.

COMMANDER: From memory?

TARA: From mission logs.

The Commander stopped.

COMMANDER: You have the logs?

TARA: Yes.

COMMANDER: All of them?

TARA: Enough.

CREW: Recovery protocol initiated.

EMERGENCY RECONSTRUCTION

Previous .vaudtax capsule imported.

Systems restored.

Property sector restored.

Debt sector restored.

Bank sector restored.

Insurance sector restored.

Foreign sectors intact.

Then Mission Control rebuilt the lost work.

Medical entry one.

Medical entry two.

Dental coordinates.

Pharmacy coordinates.

Exempt income.

Housing.

Insurance data.

One by one.

Commander Fernando entered.

Tara cross-referenced.

The Crew monitored.

VaudTax continued opening fields as though nothing catastrophic had occurred.

COMMANDER: You could at least acknowledge what just happened.

VaudTax displayed:

Montant

COMMANDER: Sociopath.

CREW: Commander, VaudTax is software.

COMMANDER: Exactly what a sociopath would say.

Recovery proceeded.

Then Tara stopped.

TARA: We have a discrepancy.

Commander Fernando closed her eyes.

COMMANDER: How large?

TARA: Small.

COMMANDER: Ignore it.

TARA: No.

COMMANDER: Tara.

TARA: No.

COMMANDER: We have just rebuilt an intercontinental tax return from a backup capsule.

TARA: Correct.

COMMANDER: Surely we are entitled to one unexplained small number.

TARA: Switzerland has expressed no such entitlement.

The discrepancy concerned insurance premiums.

Commander Fernando proposed a figure.

The annual official statement supplied another.

Tara checked.

Flight Manual consulted.

Official record reviewed.

Coverage period verified.

Correct amount identified.

The entry was adjusted.

Commander Fernando stared at the tiny difference responsible for the delay.

COMMANDER: Would this have changed the strategic outcome?

TARA: Probably not.

The Commander turned very slowly.

COMMANDER: Probably not.

TARA: Correct.

COMMANDER: And we still spent time fixing it.

TARA: Correct.

COMMANDER: Why?

The Crew answered before Tara could.

CREW: Because it was wrong.

Silence.

Commander Fernando looked around Mission Control.

COMMANDER: Switzerland has infected all of you.

SAVE PROTOCOL REVISION

At this point Mission Control issued a new directive.

The SAVE function was no longer considered a routine interface element.

It was reclassified as:

SACRED FLIGHT HARDWARE

Following every meaningful action:

SAVE.

Following every reconciliation:

SAVE.

Following any period of silence exceeding approximately four minutes:

SAVE.

Before Commander stood up:

SAVE.

After Commander sat down:

SAVE.

If someone in another room coughed:

SAVE.

The mission suffered no further telemetry loss.

FINAL VERIFICATION

Friday afternoon.

The dashboard was complete.

No incomplete sections detected.

Mission Control entered final verification.

The Crew performed a spot check.

Insurance premiums:

confirmed.

Medical expenses:

confirmed.

Housing:

confirmed.

Exempt income:

confirmed.

Foreign property:

present.

Debts:

present.

Bank accounts:

present.

United States:

still attached to planet Earth.

Sri Lanka:

still attached to planet Earth.

Switzerland:

still requesting one more click.

Commander Fernando placed her hand on the controls.

COMMANDER: Are we ready?

TARA: Ready.

CREW: Ready.

VAUDTAX: Calculer les impôts.

The Commander frowned.

COMMANDER: Finally.

CALCULATING TAX

Mission Control waited.

Years of records.

Three jurisdictions.

Multiple currencies.

Insurance.

Medical costs.

Housing.

Property.

Income.

Debt.

Foreign assets.

Reconciliations.

Dozens of fields.

Hundreds of decisions.

Five days.

The calculation completed.

The screen displayed:

0

Commander Fernando stared.

COMMANDER: No.

TARA: Yes.

COMMANDER: Zero?

TARA: Zero.

COMMANDER: Cantonal?

TARA: Zero.

COMMANDER: Communal?

TARA: Zero.

COMMANDER: Federal?

TARA: Zero.

The Crew checked.

CREW: Confirmed.

Commander Fernando remained suspicious.

COMMANDER: Calculate again.

TARA: It has calculated.

COMMANDER: I don't trust it.

TARA: You spent five days complaining that it was too precise.

COMMANDER: Exactly. Now it has suddenly become very agreeable.

VaudTax recalculated.

0

Mission Control fell silent.

Then Commander Fernando began laughing.

FINAL TRANSMISSION

Transmission protocol initiated.

Electronic filing selected.

Optional documents reviewed.

No mandatory attachments required.

Commander Fernando approached the final button.

TRANSMETTRE

The Crew became still.

Tara monitored systems.

VaudTax waited.

Commander Fernando clicked.

Several seconds passed.

Then:

TRANSMISSION SUCCESSFUL

Timestamp:

15:36:44

The receipt appeared.

Mission Control verified it.

Submission confirmed.

Tax return filed.

Spacecraft intact.

Crew alive.

Tax payable:

ZERO.

Commander Fernando leaned back.

After five days of administrative hyperspace, foreign sectors, medical asteroid fields, Helsana quicksand, documentary excavations, Flight Manual consultations, emergency expeditions, one catastrophic loss of telemetry and a complete recovery from backup—

the mission was over.

The Commander looked at Tara.

COMMANDER: I feel like we just landed on the moon.

Tara considered this.

Then replied:

TARA: Exactly.

VAUDTAX APOLLO 11.

FINAL MISSION STATUS

Swiss tax return:

FILED

Three-jurisdiction reconciliation:

COMPLETE

Unknown financial objects:

RESOLVED

Double-counting events:

AVERTED

Commander exposure to ADMIN:

SEVERE BUT NON-FATAL

Second-in-Command:

STILL EMPLOYED

Crew:

REQUESTING LEAVE

VaudTax:

AVAILABLE TO BEGIN NEXT YEAR

COMMANDER: Absolutely fucking not.

MISSION COMPLETE

One small step for Commander Fernando.

One absolutely fucking enormous leap for administrative competence.

🚀🇨🇭🌕